Staying "Right-Sized"

One of my home group members likes to describe himself as "an egomaniac with an inferiority complex."

The book "12 Steps and 12 Traditions" describes our emotional natures a little differently. "These distinguished men [doctors] had the nerve to say that most of thealcoholics under investigation were still childish, emotionally sensitive, and grandiose."

But Bill O’B. -- a longtime member of my home group, who passed away some years ago -- had a simple way of describing both the emotional challenge of being alcoholic and also, the solution.

When Bill  was a newcomer at his home group meeting in the South Bronx, he used to get a lot of advice. The year was 1957 and the oldtimers weren’t shy about sharing their suggestions. But some were more helpful than others.

“Look bum,” O’Connell said. “You do what we tell you and you’re gonna get sober.” And Bill wondered, yeah but who wants to get sober? "All I knew," he said, "was that I owed a lot of money, the kids had holes in their shoes, the wife was on my back, the boss wouldn’t let up,” Bill explained. “You know the story.”

But then Bob Burns walked up and asked if Bill was new in the program and Bill admitted that he was.

“Listen, there’s just two people you want to watch out for…” Bob Burns began. And Bill thought to himself, yeah -- my wife and who else?

But Bob continued: “You need to watch out for The Big-I-Am and the Poor-Little-Me.” Bob just smiled and stared at him. So, now Bill was just confused.

So Bob looked Bill in the eye and said, “Look, you don’t want to go too far down into self-pity,” motioning down around his knees. “But on the other hand, you don’t want to get too big for your britches,” he said, raising his hand up around head level.

“You just want to stay somewhere here in the middle,” he said, gesturing with both hands at waist level, “and you’ll never have any trouble.”

Bill said he always got the chills when he remembered it. “For years, I cherished that memory of Bob Burns. It kept me out of a lot of jams.”

Bill was sober for over 45 years when he passed away in 2005.